NJ-ACT - Eileen Kennedy-Moore

The Emotional Problems of Parenting

Eileen Kennedy-Moore’s NJ-ACT Workshop on July 25

By Lynn Mollick

            On Sunday July 25, thirty-six ACT members gave up beaches and swimming pools to attend colleague Eileen Kennedy-Moore’s workshop “Treating the Emotional Problems of Parenting.”

             Eileen began by posing the question: Since data overwhelmingly indicates that parenting detracts from marriage and life satisfaction, why does anyone bother to have children? Her answer: Parenting is an experience that gives meaning to life.

            She outlined several factors known to interfere with parents’ emotional well-being:

            1) Unrealistic expectations of what children are like and what each particular child is like;

            2) Feeling criticized or inadequate as a parent;

            3) Being isolated and lacking social support;

            4 ) Believing that children are lumps of clay to be molded, and that parents’ every action has important consequences for the child’s future;

            5) Parental disagreement and competition regarding appropriate parenting.

Treatment

Regardless of the problem, begin by:

            1. Empathizing with the parents’ predicament.

            2. Adopting a collaborative approach and agreeing on goals.

            3. Gaining parents’ trust by expressing genuine liking for their child.

            Regardless of the problem, Eileen recommends the following interventions:

            Emotion coaching. John Gottman’s work suggests that parents who offer both empathy, especially reflection, and coping skills have children with better academic performance, better physical health, better peer relationships (judged by teachers), and better self-soothing skills.

            Quality moments (instead of quality time). Children don’t communicate like adults. Eye contact isn’t necessary and questions may seem intrusive. Instead, develop intimacy through rituals and sharing experiences and opinions. Many children do not want intense intimacy and shared activities with their parents. Instead, a brief moment of connection can provide intimacy between parents and children.

Parental Guilt

            For guilty, overprotective parents, shift the parent’s belief from “I must protect my child” to “I must teach my child to cope, and we both must learn to endure some anxiety.” Eileen also discussed how clinicians might address parental guilt and anger.

            With a guilty parent look for low self-efficacy, excessive denial of personal needs (sleep, recreation), and lack of social support. If parents take better care of themselves, they’ll be better parents. Some evidence-based interventions that Eileen suggested include:

            1. Adopt compassionate standards for evaluating oneself as a parent – Parental consistency is good, but Susan O’Leary’s work suggests that 100% consistency is not necessary. 80% is good enough.

            2. Give the child appropriate responsibility and relieve the parent of the full burden.

Parental Anger

            1. Correct parents’ anger-producing attributions: “S/he’s disrespecting me.” “S/he’s doing it on purpose.” “They don’t care about the family.”

            2. Reduce emotional flooding. Teach emotion regulation skills that enable the angry parent to regain self-control. Techniques include clapping hands loudly, delaying any response (by counting, drinking water, sucking an ice cube), taking an adult time out by going outside or by going to the bathroom, changing the environment (taking everyone out for a ride), pretending to be someone who can control their emotions, imagining that someone is watching, or talking to a friend.

Reducing Child Misbehavior

             1. Be a good boss. Tell kids what they can do instead of what’s forbidden. Acknowledge efforts in the right direction and assume the child will be successful. Avoid lectures and give children opportunities to learn through doing.

             2. Teach parents effective limit setting. Never ask more than twice, avoid intermittent reinforcement, deal with small problems in order to avoid the inevitable explosion when a small problem is ignored and mushrooms into a big problem.

            3. Avoid reinforcing misbehavior by giving in when the child is aggressive or nasty.

            4. Use fewer words with less emotion. Be brief and matter-of-fact. Strive to reduce oppositionalism by offering choices rather than orders. Do tasks with the child or solve the problem together instead of issuing orders.

            5. Use contingencies. “After you do X, you can do Y.”

            6. Use immediate consequences. Consequences should be immediate, mild, logically related to the infraction, and easy to implement.

            7. Focus on prevention. Hunger and fatigue make children difficult. Make sure kids are rested and fed. Set up routines and arrange the environment to avoid misbehavior. Warn kids about impending transitions (“This is your last time.”), and avoid being in a rush whenever possible.

            Although children are not clay that can be molded as a parent wishes, Eileen emphasized that parenting matters. Children adopt parents’ views when they perceive their parents as warm, similar to themselves, and competent and powerful in the family’s world. Experiences at home set up cascades of other experiences that can go in positive or negative directions. Parents’ emotions may not permanently shape children’s personalities, but they do permanently affect the parent-child relationship, and that has a great deal of meaning to every parent and every child.